RAW  

Sitting here starting at two screens one with outlook the other with spreadsheets and of course d blogger, makes me really start to think about where i am in life. Here i am just finished uni which was like 2 years overdue anyway with a career thats just started to take off and me sitting here wondering if i'm on the right plane or not.

But the funny thing is i have yet to have any dreams about it, generally when i fear or worry about something i would dream very vivid dreams about the circumstances like my exams, my love life, or my health. However recently nuffin, most of the time the dreams have meaning and give me direction to where i should be or what i should do. Sometimes emotions and sensations are replicated in my dreams which hold true when reality catches up. Which brings me to another pondering point, is this God's gift or the power of human minds?

Apoligise for the dramatic blog, its just i guess its time i let a few emotions out of my system. For those who are reading i hope u don't think 2 much reading this cos its jus a pile of random thoughts that somtimes don't make sense to me at all.

Sigh here we go, i'm sure we've all had some point in our lives where we lie weather it be a verbal lie or physical lie we lie at some point. However for the past 7 months i have been living a lie, and no its not as dramatic as mike gug's situation. I've been living a lie through the way i portray myself around others, living a lie about the way i feel, smiling when deep down my heart cries out. Where when i talk to people i have to hide my emotions, where i have to block out my thoughts and mind to look at people in the face to show there is nothing bothering me.

I guess its something that has been on my mind for a long time now, i used to be content to where i am in life just keeping to myself, however God has told me this is not where i intended you to be. As fun as it may be at times to have the freedom to do what i want buy what i want. God told me sooner or later the light will shine on my life and i will look back and regret. But thats where the problem only begins, the more i open myself up to people the bigger the problem seems, the more lonely i realise that i am in this world. Although i am surrounded by the most amazing people in my life, i still feel lonely.

I'm sure theres soo many people in this world that feels the same thing i do, where i just want to reach out and just talk to them, but everyone is soo busy its hard to know even where to start and who to start with. Like Mike's story has only added to my sadness, it doesnt discourage me but it saddens me to know something like this could very well have been avoided if someone had just spoken to him, if someone was there to for him to be held accountable to, someone that knew him well enough to look into his eyes and see there was a burden on his heart. Which brings me to an interesting point, how amazing God is, although he was a sinner God still used him to save thousands of lives. But then again why wouldn't he.. like we break one we break them all right?? soo whats the difference between him lying everyday to everyone and us doing our 'small' sins?? absolutely nothing which means we all can do great things for God no matter who we are.

But such is life... i agree with you sometimes its truely impossible to tell someone how much we really did love them. Not because i couldn't open my mouth and do so, but becos of the reprecussions that would resonate negatively if i did. So where to from now? Continue loving without expectations? despite how painful it may be, or live in abnegation to what i truely feel either way the friendship will exist which is a positive i guess.

I guess as always rely on God, beleive in him, seek him first and the rest will follow. As life is not about my time but Gods time. Although it may be tough, however looking back there has never been a moment where God has let me down, where everything has happened for a reason. Even though i struggle to comprehend that reason straight away in time i see the hand of God working which i guess what brings me joy.

anyway God bless

Zee